Firstly, your spouse, the bio parent, decides whether or not to put you first. Nobody deserves emotional abuse in a marriage. If your spouse decides to put you first, then they must also come up with a plan to manage their own children in a way that protects your marriage. The bottom line is that marriage is supposed to be forever while children eventually grow up and fly the nest.
Anyone who caters to a child at the expense of their marital relationship will eventually become a very lonely empty nester. I agree. I have tried bending over backwards for my step daughters only to met with disrespect in the home I created before even meeting them. I even gave the oldest a car since she started working. So I wonder if the biological mom has a role in their behavior.
When they come over the entire house is turned upside down. I have personally decided to take a step back and no longer try to win them over. Your spouse should always be your first priority.
Children grow up and then what do you say to your spouse? Where do we go from here? Absolutely not! Your children have to be taken care of yes, but if you put your children before your spouse the marriage is doomed. Your children will see how your relationship is and want to mirror that great relationship. I always thought the children should always come first until I realized I was neglecting the person I said I wanted to spend my life with. How sad to put your spouse with whom you wanted to grow old with as a last priority!!
And spoiled rotten kids of divorce think they run the show. I am a step mom.. We have no relationship and I am ok with that..
I have children and would never allow them to treat their stepmother the way this spoiled brat treats me.. I am tired of being the bad guy.. One thing I have realized…I dont need to accept it! I live my life with my significant other and I ignore anything to do with her.
She is not my child and I am not responsible. The best thing I did and my husband did was let the mother who didnt believe in discipline or teaching obedience raise her herself!
Now he has passed away and 13 years later his will is being contested by her for a home that the deed still has him listed as joint I need to correct.
Her argument is I committed fraud by putting it in my name. So everything we anticipated when we made the decision when she was 9, came to pass. She still is lashing out at the one shes been taught to blame. After I go thru this extra stress while grieving the loss of my husband, at some point she and the deranged mother of hers are going to have to find someone else to blame for their misery.
My husband told me the day before he died I was his only family. God I love that man and he loved me. We have choices and these entitled brats have choices as to how they choose to behave towards others. Address the behavior. Attempt to address the child's behavior with your partner. Just be sure it's the behavior you're saying you dislike and not the child's character. Instead of saying, "Suzy is so lazy, never putting her dishes in the sink! It would really help me feel calmer if she would clean them up.
Would you help me enforce that? If your stepchild were to die tomorrow, how would you feel about the way you treated him? Was it kind and gentle or was it full of resistance and resentment? Would you have regrets or would you be proud at how you handled the situation? This is your chance to change things while you still can. Seize the day so you can look back on your life and be proud that, regardless of what you were faced with, you showed up as your best self.
Find one endearing quality you can embrace. Even the utterly impossible person displays at least one decent character trait.
Is there one positive thing you can say about your stepchild? Does he or she show humor, sensitivity, compassion or sweetness in any aspect of life or with anyone in it? Even if that trait is only displayed for a few minutes every other new moon, grab it and run with it. Focus on that endearing quality as if your life depends on it, focusing less on the traits you dislike.
Pretend you're her. Usually, we only see things from our perspective: our hurts, our experiences, our judgments, our values and our opinions. Seeing things from someone else's perspective can open a whole new world to you.
How does she feel? What does her world look like? What are her experiences like? What would she say about you, her family or her daily routine? Pretend you're her and do some journaling. Its bad enough the ex is not helping the situ. But this guy has to be a father and it sounds like he is not.
He should shape up or you ship out. I feel sorry for his son. My step-daughters are grown now and over thank God!
They are no longer allowed in my home and I will divorce my husband in an instant if they step foot over the threshold of my door. The girls were both sat down and warned ahead of time that they had one more chance to "act out". If they did, the ties would be cut forever from me and my children. My son was so confused that he looked at me with his little brown eyes one Christmas and said "Are we mad at Cheryl and Sara this year or happy with them?
I wasn't going to let the hard work that I did raising my natural born children go to waste. These girls were going to "go first. When my husband and I were engaged, the girls called him between times per day this is not an exageration.
They warned him that if he married me, they would "disown" him as their father. They informed him that they would stand outside the wedding gazebo and hall yelling obsenities to ruin our wedding. I asked my husband if he was sure that he wanted to go on with the wedding before I mailed out the invitations. He said, "yes. I hired extra police protection in case they carried out their plan. We had business associates invited to the wedding and could not have this happen.
Two days before the wedding he wanted to cancel the wedding because his daughters were upset. I told him that the invitations were sent out and he would not insult me. Get married-get divorced the next day. He agreed. We were apart for one week without a honeymoon after the wedding and talked a few times. He then moved into my house with his daughter and her tattoo, pierced up, gothic boyfriend. I hid my jewelry.
The boyfriend would try to "feel me" everytime he passed by me, whispered what he wanted to do to me in my ear and ask what I was wearing under my robe. I told my husband what was going on and he walked away from me. I caught him with my underwear several times.
I had two children --a girl about 9-now in college with scholarships and boy 3 now older with honor roll. They were from a previous marriage. Their lives were starting to turn upside down. They were brought up in a normal home with normal parents.
My ex became depressed after his mother's death, refused help and I had too much pride to stop the divorce. The grass is always greener on the other side. I had St Augustine Grass and now I have dead weeds. She wanted to move in with us. I told my husband to leave Hawaii alone, I wasn't going anywhere. My husband sent her to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother owned a rental home and offered her free rent to move in. THe grandmother caught them with their wipe rags all over the house. She threw them out.
A week after we got home, she moved in. Then the mother was beating the younger sister and wrapping telephone cords around her neck. My husband just allowed them to fight, hit and pull hair. My children were horrified. They had never seen anything like that. It was a mess.
This went on for months. The younger daughter had to sleep in my son's room. She was not happy and made it known on a regular basis. She threw constant temper tantrums for this and anything that she wanted and couldn't have. She was just a BRAT!!! And my husband gave in. Because the mother had no job or income, she begged the younger daughter to come home for child support money.
The younger daughter moved back and then she just came in every other weekend. My natural born daughter was having trouble sleeping and it was affecting her at school. I told my husband and he told me to "shut up". THey were just "laying together-not doing anything else. His daughter would never! Her boyfriend would play with her and grap her in certain places while we were watching family TV.
My husband would look away. Then they began using blankets in front of my small children to while my children and husband were in the room. He did nothing. Her boyfriend made up with his family and finally moved back home. Later, I saw him schakled and handcuffed going to prison while paying my parking ticket. He stuck his tongue in my ear when he told the guard I was a relative and wanted to talk for a minute.
One day, I came home from work and his oldest daughter walked into the house behind me. She dangled a pair of keys in front of my face and said "My dad just bought me my 2nd brand new car behind your back". She laughed, walked upstairs and went into her room.
The car that I was driving was used, scratched, needed a paint job, the ceiling felt was falling down, etc. I just cried and felt so betrayed. Most people would say that I deserve everything that I got and the sad part isyou are right. I deserve every bit of it. The signs were there, but love overlooked it. He told me "we have a pre-nup and it's none of your business.
The younger daughter continued to come every other weekend. Until one day, when we moved into a bigger house. She decided to move back with us. Her nervousness, manipulative behavior, ADHD, constant chattering and talking, attention seeking behavior, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder drove me crazy. I couldn't take it her mother tried to get her psychiatric help like the rest of their familybut she ran away, so she was not medicated.
The child refused in-patient treatment and of course, no parent made her get it. She was so maniac that she hardly slept, ate or stopped moving around. I started to feel insane myself. Don't ask why-But I decided that I wanted a baby. Just say it"Are you stupid lady? We announced that we had been going through fertility treatments for 2 years to our family and it wasn't working a BBQ.
My oldest step-daughter was furious and walked out slamming the door behind her. She became pregnant 2 months later and didn't know who the daddy was. She blamed it on the "tatoo man", but had told me about her lesbianism, three and foursomes, married couples and picking up guys from the street that she didn't know.
I was severly hurt and felt like she purposely got pregnant since she took herself off of the pill. She knew I wanted a child and couldn't have one. Five months later, my MD told me to call it quits-no more fertility. I started a Chinese adoption and found that the MD's lab test was wrong!! I was actually pregnant and now have two 4 year olds-adopted and fertility. What a task!!! Yeah I have my house full now! The younger, sixteen year old daughter was still living with me while I was pregnant.
One day, I came home and heard her over the phone saying, "If you do what I want, then I'll come back. Are you going to keep your promise? You do what I want and I'll do what you want". When she saw me she hung up, but I already heard her conversation. I had filled out a credit application and was in the process of buying her a Mustang Convertible for Christmas. This way the girls had a way to school and activities.
I wouldn't have to wake up so early and stay dressed late to drive them anymore. They would now have a ride everywhere! I also thought that it would bring them closer, but they were so different. One rebellious and sporty, while the other was quiet and girlie. The next day, my husband was in the room with her and he walked out with tears in his eyes.
He looked me and my daughter and cursed both of us out. I followed him upstairs and asked what was going on? That's the most stupid reason I have ever heard of for moving out of a house where you are treated as a queen with thousands of dollars in clothes and living in quite a mansion in a gated community to live in filth. She was not turned down for one thing the entire time she lived with us. My husband tried to hit me, started calling me and my daughter names. She was jealous that my daughter was a great student, had constant compliments on her beauty won over 30 beauty pageant titles , honor student, homecoming queen, cheerleading captain, dancing school, completed modeling school, etc.
He was closer to my daughter than his own. Sara saw it and had to stop it. She had to leave by ruining this family relationship, like the one she was going home to. Her mother was psychotic would attempt partial, somewhat kind of suicide attempts to get her stomach pumped in front of her daughters on the living room floor.
She was receiving money from the state, but wanted child support money, too. She promised Sara a car if she came home. I cancelled the Mustang Convertible. Needless to say, her mother never bought the car or got her a driver's license as she promised. We would receive 50 phone calls per day due to their fighting over the car.
At night, I would take my phone off of the hook so we could sleep and my husband left his cell phone in the car.
She wanted to come back and I said absolutely not. They were told to stay away from our newborn son and my other children.
The oldest daughter came to work and cursed her father out in front of all of his employees. Enough was enough for me. I told my husband that I would leave if they returned or visited. Their mother died. The girls sued him for money and he pays them monthly while they have guys and drugs in the house. Now, they have a furnished house that is paid for and more new cars. They can do whatever they want except, come to my house.
My husband sees and calls them. And I would never stop him from seeing his children. We own our own businesses, so he has the opportunity to visit them in their filth on a regular basis.
One day, I found my body acting funny. I was pregnant. I carried the baby, made all my appts. One day, I went to one of my MD appts to find that the baby was dead. It was the first appt my husband had came to with me. I begged and cried for the baby so that I could bury it. The medical staff said "sshh! My husband never talked to me on the way home. I asked, " why couldn't I bury the baby? So, I guess I've only been through it once-not as important? My doctor had never gave me an ultrasound picture-as an RN, I found that wierd.
He always turned away the machine and told me he was running low on paper and would give me a picture next time. I was so hurt. Months later, I saw his partner that had delivered my other babies. I asked him what happened and found out that it was a boy with spina bifida and everyone was trying to hide it from me because he was deformed.
They thought it was in my best interest with all I had been through. I asked for an ultrasound picture and he gave me one. I put it in me desk in a box and it's like his little place by his mom. A few days later, a baby shower invitation for my husband's oldest daughter's 2nd prison father's child was mailed to my house. When she found out that I was pregnant, she was pregnant 2 months later how convenient-but her baby lived.
The entire time that we were married, they had never mailed a Christmas card, Father's day card, Birthday card, absolutely nothing to our house. No return address was put on the envelope and it was addressed with our last name only. THis was to make sure that I opened it. I was so hurt that I couldn't get out of bed.
I cried so much. I wrote them back. Leave us alone. Do not call, mail or come to our house. Use your grandmother's address as a mailing address for your father. We do not want our other children to know that you exist. If you enter their lives, they will certainly need psychological help like you receive. My 2 older children hate you, as well. My oldest daughter has asked that you please stop telling people that you are related to her.
She doesn't want anything to do with you. Going into the relationship I was fine with being with someone having a child. I do not have issues with him not being mine.
My stepson is just, difficult. He's lazy, short attention span. He smells- always! He doesn't wipe his butt very well we have tried everything with him from punishing to rewards on teaching him correctly, he just doesn't wipe well. His fee, etc.
He's very socially awkward and can get annoying very quickly. He's behind at school. He's doesn't have many friends and gets bullied sometimes. We got custody of him from his mom about a year and a half ago. She's a loser. She voluntarily gave him to us. No courts involved. She never comes to get him. He's always here- and I hate it. It used to be me and my daughter and my husband. I just really kinda feel like I'm on auto pilot when he's around. Grin and bearing it. I was fine with seeing him every other weekend!
And my husband works a lot so it's pretty much me raising him. I'm sure my negative feeling are being picked up by him and I don't want that. This is starting to put a strain on my marriage and I need help. Hey Norakirk welcome to Reach Out and thanks for sharing your situation here. I can see how challenging it is for you to feel like you're raising your stepson full time, whereas before you saw him only every other weekend.
It's even more difficult because his bio mom doesn't see him and on top of that, your husband works long hours. I also feel for your step son, having gone through some difficult situations in his life already. I think it's commendable that you want to protect him from the negativity you experience. Have you discussed your feelings about all of this with your husband?
Maybe before you do that, you can try and identify what your needs are at the moment in relation to parenting your stepson. Do you need some time to yourself? Do you need for your stepson's dad to be there more than he currently is?
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